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Evil ’80s Science and Rebellious Disembodied Heads

Author: David Osborn

Over fifteen years ago now, I purchased a huge eBay mystery book lot that just keeps giving. What’s better than horror novels, you ask? Old horror novels, with ridiculous names, 80s style covers, and enough camp to keep a horror hound happy.

That’s where David Osborn’s Heads comes into play. It was the next in the still astonishingly huge pile. The story follows an unethical, secret lab with hot doctors who like to experiment on supposed “volunteers.” Now, back in the 80s, the whole idea of cryogenics and head freezing and all that sort of stuff was around, and I suspect that was the inspiration behind where this story goes. You see . . . think how much more powerful a brain would be if it didn’t have to deal with that pesky body? That’s right – we could all become super heads, using more than the 10% of our brains that the (long debunked) myth proclaims. There is only one little problem (other than the fact that the project is running out of money and the higher-ups want some results pronto) . . . the heads keep going off their head. They are also thinking about forming a strike because, you know, they really want to get ahead in life.

Yes, I am having way too much fun with this.

Ok, moving on. Now that you have sampling of the super realistic and super scientific backbone of this little drama, let’s meet the dramatis persona. Susan McCullough has recently lost her superstar scientist boyfriend to what is admittedly a surprisingly grisly and disturbing auto accident. John may not have been much to look at (although his head on the cover is shockingly handsome), but he was the love of Susan’s life. Still . . . she is led to continue his research.

That’s how she gets involved with John’s old friend, Michael Burgess, and the Borg-Harrison Foundation, which is secretly backed by Admiral Walter Burnleigh. Susan is just as interested in unraveling John’s research and saving it for posterity as she is in Michael’s good looks. Queue 70s porn music, a jealous ex-mistress at the foundation, and some sloppy secret keeping. It isn’t long before Susan discovers that John’s head is hostage at Borg-Harrison and her new boyfriend is sinister-villain-laugh evil. But can she rescue the heads, reveal the lab’s secrets to the world, and save herself from this slew of unethical, hot doctors? Only time and 304 pages will tell.

Ok . . . so Heads is ridiculous. Surely you don’t need my review to tell you that. There is nothing sinister or scary about talking heads. You just can’t keep a straight face when they hove into view. I mean . . . it brings to mind that whole scene from Golden Girls where Dorothy shouts “we’re heads!” Let’s say it’s campy and leave it there.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

And then these doctors. Where are they getting time for all their evil science, what with the skinny dipping and speedos and love affairs and card games in the cafeteria? This lab has more lax security than Dr. Evil’s secret layer. The evil henchmen here are just really not on their game. Maybe they should collude with the heads and all strike together? Better working conditions and more sexy time perhaps?

And then we have Susan and her laughable affair (queue the music again and the porn ‘staches please). Just . . . yeah. These super toned, muscled up, hot doctors again. Where do they get the time for all this sex, these cruises, and the evil science?

Of course, since everyone is literally asleep at the switch, it isn’t long before a poignant reunion between Suan and John, who isn’t half the man he used to be (yes, I am enjoying this.)

But all that said – the absurdity is fun and funny. I don’t think . . . at least I hope . . . the novel knows it isn’t serious. It’s a better-quality Sharknado scenario, and despite the insanity, we’re kind of interested in how it all goes down. It’s just campy enough and just entertaining enough to keep us laughing and casually interested. Great literature: nooooo. Fun beach read for a horror hound looking to escape the seriousness of viscera and go all 80s pseudo-science? Hell yes. Surprisingly recommended.

 

– Frances Carden

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Frances Carden
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