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Secrets. Silence. Standing Alone.

Author: Paolina Milana

S stands for secrets. For silence. For sin. For schizophrenia. For sinister. For standing alone.

In this memoir, Paolina Milana documents her childhood and teen years, growing up in a chaotic family, dedicated to taking care of Paolina’s increasingly schizophrenic and often violent mother. The father of the family is overwhelmed, and after a brief adventure with the unhelpful medical system – even bringing the police into the ruse to institutionalize Paolina’s mother – the family caves to fear and secrecy. They are on their own, shunned, struggling, trying to keep a secret that is bursting at the seams, trying to care for a woman who, in her insanity, is spreading lies that they are all plotting to kill her.

Effectively left without a mother, Paolina strikes into the world on her own, lying about her age to get a job at the nearby donut shop. The family needs money desperately, and everyone has to pull their weight. Paolina is no exception, but while at work, she meets a 40-something police officer named Gunner who seems to genuinely love her. Or so she thinks.

As Paolina opens the narrative, she gives us a raw view of difficult subjects: mental health catastrophes, abusive relationships, unforgiving religious figures (the family’s priest refuses to absolve her for missing service to work), and pressure from all sides to grow up before her time. The story climaxes in a shocking conclusion, a shattered glass on the floor, a plan to end the suffering foiled, the slight promise of a way forward after the last page.

Image by Daniel R from Pixabay

The S Word is a devastating story told in a confidential way. We feel what Paolina feels, trying to tamp down our own excitement about the way the donuts are expertly glazed and the attention of a man. Our adult minds, our worldly minds, know this is all bad: an escape from a tragic home life into a world ready to take advantage of a young girl just looking to be seen and given affection.

The narrative goes where you think it will (with Gunner at least) but that is hardly the worst thing that happens. The last few pages are shattering, leaving readers to wonder just how the author maintained her own sanity while living through such a brutal childhood, alone and effectively raising herself, afraid and yet, still somewhat hopeful, at least until everything crumbles.

This story has a lot to say about hope, about how we should protect each other better. About how the system fails families and mental health patients. About the abuse of authority figures. About the loneliness of children growing up in abusive or disturbed homes. About the need for compassion for one another and the need for catharsis through revealing the truth. It’s a difficult story to read, and the difficult subjects are certainly not for the faint of heart, but a certain beauty resonates throughout. The author’s effervescence peeps through in sections, the hope still there, and the story has a redemptive edge. Even when everything goes as bad as possible, there is still a tomorrow, still a way forward. Highly recommend, if you can handle the difficult topics, honestly and emotionally depicted.

– Frances Carden

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Frances Carden
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